Monday, December 18, 2006 Not Safe For Work - But worth the wait until you get home
Jackie and I saw this live on SNL this weekend, and we were on the floor laughing. There were beeps over the D word, so Jackie thought it was the C word - which would actually make it much funnier (if that's possible). The mouth of a sailor, that girl.
Monday, December 11, 2006 How did Brass Monkey end up on the menu?
Matt D. came over to watch Monday Night Football tonight, and we decided to make it a Brass Monkey night. For those who don't know, a brass monkey is when you drink a 40 of malt liquor down to the label and then fill it back up with orange juice. Sounds disgusting, right? OE and OJ? Well, contrary to my initial gag reflex when I first heard about a brass monkey, it's actually quite tolerable. No really, it tastes pretty good.
This is what it looks like when white people drink brass monkey.
Matt bought everything necessary on his walk over before the game. He bought two 40s of Olde English 800 and 3 small containers of Tangerine-Orange juice. So this is where it becomes obvious that we are three white honkeys drinking brass monkeys. Matt bought 3 small containers of tangerine-orange. TANGERINE!
Of course, when we pour the whitey juice into our malt liquor bottles - sipped precisely to the label - the concoction looks more like Ass Monkey. (It was brown, like cider.) Matt looks at the container, and the expiration date of the tangerine-orange is October 30. Today is December 11. I guess you can say they don't pay much attention to the expiration dates of the tangerine-orange juice on Myrtle Ave.
Thus begins my journey to buy more malt liquor, since our previous batch was tainted by the rotten exotic brand. I went to a bodega at the end of the next block, because there is a higher likelihood that this bodega also has Haagendaaz for Jackie. (The bodega on our corner once sold us fake Tide, so I didn't even bother.)
I picked out a 40 of OE and a pint of Chocolate Chocolate Chip. When I approached the counter, the clerk was keeping tabs on some guy trying to buy snacks with food stamps. The other guy at the counter thinks my 40 is his, but apparently the clerk had already hidden this guy's 40s behind the counter. I tell them both, "This is my beer. The beer and the ice cream are mine."
The guy responds, "Hey, where's my beer?" Clerk: "Behind the counter." Guy: "Give me my beer back." Clerk: "You already have two in your pocket." Guy: looks totally busted
The clerk made it clear that the guy could only pay for the food with foodstamps - he would need cash for the beer. I paid for my goods and left the store. When I got home I realized that I only bought one 40, but we needed two since Matt actually poured a small amount of tainted juice into his 40 as well. So back to the bodega I went for another 40.
Thsi time I just went to the fake Tide bodega because it's closest. I went into the store, slid open the packing-tape-over-shattered-glass refrigerator door, and picked out a 40 and a deuce (22oz) for Jackie, because after all this she was going to have to join us.
When I approached the counter, there he was - the SAME GUY. He was pulling the same scheme with a counter full of snacks and pockets full of 40. I put my beer on the counter, and I tried to figure out whether or not I should bring up the coincidence that we saw each other at two bodegas on the same block with basically the same purchase.
"Hey man, looks like you and I have the same plans tonight. I went home and my friends wanted more beer, so I'm back again."
The guy turned to me, not exactly realizing that I was talking to him. He looked up, and with an honest face as if we once knew each other he asked,
"Hey, do I know you?"
"Yeah man, two stores down about 5 minutes ago."
***********************
I went home and we made brass monkey. But we still used white-people orange juice in the end.
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